My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
