dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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