I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
