Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
well you can't waste a boner
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize