she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
