I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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