Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize