Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
