if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
operation have a gay friend backfired
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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