I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
