At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
