y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
