im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
