...so i touched it.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
