Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
People in love make me want to vomit
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
