and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
