wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
