We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize