It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
