im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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