I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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