The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
