i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
