I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
