i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
