For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
pray to the hookup gods
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize