clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
