Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
