im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
