My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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