I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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