My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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