i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
