Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Randomize
