i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
