I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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