Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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