Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
