and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
