don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
