gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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