It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
