everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
