I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
