I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
