You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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