it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I had to cum in my sink.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize