Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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