wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
