Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
