from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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