Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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