new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
