Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
