my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
